Mission Accomplished: Insanity Achieved!

It's official! Maybe even officially official! I've achieved insanity — the level of insanity one can only achieve by mothering more kids than she ever dreamed she'd have.

Our newest bundle of joy—our fourth baby and second daughter—arrived in late September, a week before my due date. Lily Grace is a blessing and a joy—really and truly! I simply can't imagine life without her. And while I never dreamed I'd have four kiddos, it works. Well, most of the time. OK, honestly, it works some of the time.

I'm still adjusting to the craziness of having four children (and honestly can't fathom how my Mom handled six kids, and how on earth my Grandma did it with 12 kiddos). Lily Grace is 4 1/2 months old now, and things are beginning to come together. She's showing her little, sweet, sunshiny personality, making the middle of the night nursing sessions so much easier to sleepwalk through. Her smile and laugh are amazing, but it's her eyes that get me every single time. She just "sees" me. My heart melts and skips a beat (any other heart cliches?) when she looks at me. 

Maybe this is something that only mothers get to see. And if so, I'm damn lucky. The look my sweet baby gives me is something so surreal. Like she just gets me. And that's a nice feeling when the rest of my world feels crazy and chaotic. 

My house is a mess with toys, arts and crafts, and Happy Meal toys strewn about. I have a constant—literally, constant—and steady stream of laundry to do. And I haven't slept a full night since . . . I'm guessing 2003, right before I got pregnant with Maddie (my 8-year-old daughter).

But I know that I'm lucky. Not everyone gets this opportunity. Not everyone gets to hold, kiss, hug, and love a child of their own. 

And these moments really and truly are fleeting. I look at Maddie and can't believe she's already eight. I vividly remember meeting her for the very first time, yet here she is—a walking, talking, running, horse-riding, soccer-playing, shy, friendly, fun, happy, imaginative eight-year-old. My boys seem to change overnight lately. Alex (my five-year-old) is crazy, but fun, loving, and pretty awesome. Nate (my three-year-old) is a sassy, back-talking ball of energy and love. And Lily Grace completes our little picture with her sweetness and babbles.

But MOST of these moments are hard. I'm exhausted, stressed out, over-extended, weepy, frustrated, and all the other things parenting is made up of. I read a pretty awesome article/blog that put it perfectly: Don't Carpe Diem. 

We really do have to live for THOSE moments. Those fleeting, wonderful, amazing moments when I have a special, unique, miraculous moment with my children. Those moments really do make it all worth it. And it's OK that not every moment is perfection. I'm not perfect, so why should my life be?!

Thinking of My Babies . . .

I lost an angel baby two years ago this month. It was January 14, 2008. I was only about five weeks along, but she still was my little one, and I miss her.

I've thought of her -- and I call her "her" because her spirit felt like another little girl to me -- all month long, but not really sadly. Mostly, I'm grateful that she sent her baby brother Nathaniel on to us just two months after we lost her.

It's so surreal to find out that you're pregnant, to have so many hopes, dreams, wishes, and then very, very quickly to find out that that's not what's going to happen this time.

And people said, oh, well, at least it's an early loss, it's only a chemical pregnancy ... but it was a baby to me. My baby.

I had a dream the other week that when we get to heaven, our angel babies are the first to greet us. And I think she will be.

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It's been two years, so you'd think that the loss would be lessened. And in a way, it is, but not gone, not forgotten. I'm so thankful that I have little Nate to watch grow and change.

And so, so grateful to have two other little ones to keep me on my toes and to cherish and love as well.

I'm a lucky, lucky mom . . .even when I'm tired, I'm still lucky and loved. So blessed.